A few weeks after we started TheArcade.ie our tiny office was flooded with letters looking for help. An outpouring from readers around the world desperate for advice and guidance. Unable to deal with the volume, we just ignored them hoping they would go away. They haven’t! So in an effort to deal with our problem we’ve decided to bring in some help to fix it!
This is ‘Dear Arcade…’ and these are genuine letters from genuine sources about genuine problems!
Letter #3 – Harry Potter And The Lack Of Action
I find myself in somewhat of a sad place right now! You see, the woman I love has died and I know I’ll never love anyone like I did her. She was my everything even when she wasn’t mine. Now my problem stems from the fact that her son will now be attending my place of work and I can’t bare to face him. Even the idea of him attending has driven me to despair.
How should I handle this? Do I tell the boy? Do I put in for a transfer even though this is the year I feel I’ll finally get that promotion?
Help me, please!
Dear Expecto Heartbreakus…
I know exactly what to do! Throw out every item of clothing you have that isn’t black and flowing! That’ll really capture the spirit of mourning. You need to keep this boy at a distance but you also have to follow school procedures in terms of discipline. So every chance you get, take your
vengeance frustrations out on him. He talks out of turn? 10 points from Gryffindor! He turns in an assignment late? Double cross him! He seems to confident in himself? Kill his only ally and demean him in front of his peers! That’ll teach that bastard student to remind you of his mother on a near daily basis!
Whatever you do, don’t reveal anything to him until the last second! Let the wretch twist in the wind!
All the best,
Letter #4 – Crazy And In Love
My other half has up and left me! She thinks she’s better than me?! Me!!!! I’m the one who made her (literally!).
Now I’ve found out she’s shacked up with this psycho vegan hippie braud! I’m one pie to face away from going full schizo on this! How do I make her realise she’s better off with me? I’m a hoot! I’m a catch! I’m not even joking here!
Helplessly in love,
Get over it! #byefelicia
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!