Hello there reader of nondescript gender and welcome to the world of Pokémon. I’m Prof. Dec, I’ve spent my entire career (all 5 hours of it) analysing the way trainers choose and interact with their favourite Pokémon. The partner you train with can say a whole lot about you and your sense of self.
Now anyone can just pick the best or strongest out of the air and pretend that that Pokémon is their favourite. To weed out cheaters and gain the best results from my studies, I ask trainers to tell me what Pokémon they see when they peer at this especially designed Rorschach test:
To give you an idea of what it is I do allow me to demonstrate! Earlier this week (12 hours ago) I asked several of the staff here at TheArcade.ie to tell me what Pokémon they saw in the image above! Here are their answers and a brief rundown of what I’e been able to deduce about their psyches.
Laura – Pikachu
Seriously? Firstly Laura you should be going to a Poké optician not a Poké psychologist! Secondly Pikachu trainers tend to be a little too preppy! Unnaturally so, if they’re not getting their buzz from caffeine then I think a word with Officer Jenny needs to be had! Over excitable, these little yellow mice have the attention span of well… yellow mice!
Dave – Snorlax
Snorlax trainers tend to sleep purely to dream in order to forget their current reality. They’re constantly avoiding the job in front of them but aren’t even remotely subtle about doing so throwing themselves anywhere they please. In most cases this is actually down to an under-active thyroid and not laziness!
Andy – Porygon
Porygon trainers think they’re awesome, everyone else thinks they’re about twenty years behind the current generation. They’re mostly spotted amongst prepsters who lable themselves as retro geeks or nostalgia hunters, so avoid at all costs unless you want to be bored to death.
Ross – Umbreon
Umbreon, a dark Pokémon and their trainers are about as deep and dark as a puddle in the side of the road. When goths and emos won’t even associate with you, you need to take a long hard look at your life choices!
Adam – Quilava
Quilava trainers are the kind of people who find themselves on peoples ‘Do not piss off’ list. If you know a Quilava, offer them a cup of tea so you can quickly make your escape!
Lauren – Charmander
If you want to talk about a Pokémon with issues, sit down with a Charmander. Listen, I get it, if your tail goes out you’ll die… if I drink rat poison I’ll die! You see where I’m going with this? How about you ask me how my day is going?!
Rebekah/Tendai – Jigglypuff
Listen you can act like a Beyoncé but deep down we all know you’re the Kelly! Now shut up and let a real Starmie show you how it’s done!
David – Aegislash
There’s probably something here about keeping sharp knives away from them but to be honest I really only deal with the first 151. Pokémon psychology tends to only focus on pure bloods!
Mairead – Mew
About as original as a blank piece of A4 paper! Listen, we’ve a copy of you now, you’re not cool any more! Mew trainers think they’re amazing and if you stop to talk to one they’ll have no trouble explaining why in great detail. Avoid eye contact!
Emma – Alakazam
Kadabra trainers come prepared to a banquet! Alakazam trainers come prepared and selfish! Seriously two spoons? Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you get special treatment! Save some apple sauce for the rest of us!
Carrie – Mewtwo
Mewtwo and it’s trainer like to think that they’re great thinkers, ponderers of the Universe but they’re about as knowledgable as a six year old who read the facts off the back of a cereal box. If they don’t get their way, they’ll be the first ones to blow stuff up just like a six year old would!
Mary – Togepi
Togepi is one of the most innocent and pure creatures in this world. So what kind of f*cked up monster would send it into battle against killer Pokémon ten times it’s size? If you spot a Togepi trainer, you’d best hope it’s not down a dark alleyway.
Anthony – Wargreymon
These people are rocking back and forth, drooling on themselves in a padded room somewhere. Visit them on the holidays but don’t dare mention their name at family gatherings.
Wayne – Charizard
Some men want to watch the world burn! Those men usually are Charizard trainers, seriously, it’s a winged creature that breathes fire! These trainers tend to be arsonists and fire-bugs.
Ryan – Pidgeot
I’m pretty sure there’s a term for people who dream of being giant birds but it escapes me! Regardless Pidgeot and their trainers are sneaky with crafty minds. You’ll never notice one until it’s too late and by that time they’ve pooped on your new coat. What kind of person poops on other people’s stuff? A sick one! That’s who!
Alice – Feraligatr
See comments about that weird sword and shield Pokémon. Nevertheless these Pokémon have big mouths, they’re awful at keeping secrets if that’s anything to go by. Tell them something in confidence and you might as well post it to Facebook for the world to see.
Eoin – Koffing
Hanging out with a Koffing and it’s trainer is like walking on eggshells. These folk might seem nice but something tells me (and it might be that skull and bones on it’s chest) that behind that exterior is an explosive (and smelly) fury! Crack a window and run for your life!
Timmy – Latios
Oh come on you’re just making these up now!
Me – Vileplume
The nicest, coolest and most popular person in your friends group. You should always be super nice to a Vileplume trainer and buy them gifts at any occasion.
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!