Are you in love? Who cares! Shut up about it. We don’t like you. To be fair though, it is mostly jealousy on our part, due to the fact that we don’t get to watch romantic comedies with that special someone. Instead we have to opt for movies reserved to those stuck in the limbo of singledom. There is only so many times that you can watch Bridget Jones Diary before your head gets filled with nothing but Colin Firth’s smug, stupid face. That’s why on this special weekend, we are going to save you from the clutches of ‘lonely person films for lonely people’ and kick your ass into gear with films that are so great, you have to feel good! Your mother is wrong. You won’t die alone. The comfort of your streaming service will whisk you into a new era of bliss. We present you with our Top Six Absolutely Essential Films for Single Pringles on Valentines Day:
OVER THE TOP
The opposite of tenderly holding hands is aggressively arm wrestling. This movie has loads of that! Burly blokes wrist wrangling each other into submission to win the title of most deadly arms of the lot. Sylvester Stallone traverses the country with his reluctant young son searching for fellow truckers to beat in the toughest sport in the world. Eventually, his son warms up to Sly after a bout of learning that violence is most assuredly the answer to everything. Through the process of familial bonding comes a mutual bro-lationship between father and son. This bond is disrupted when the boy’s grandfather steals him from right under Sly’s nose. Now, There’s only one way to get him back. Win the world arm wrestling tournament and get paid lots of money. A foolproof plan that will make his father-in-law see him as a responsible parent that can look after his son. This macho cheese-fest is sure to get you chuckling and cheered up on Valentines Day.
CALAMITY JANE
The best gun in the west. Calamity Jane doesn’t need no man! She only keeps one around for husbandly duties. Doris Day stars in this film boasting a belting voice and carrying a tune with beautiful pianee (not piano) playing as her backing track. The songs are memorable and make fun of the macho nature of the old west, while perfectly showing the persona of Jane as someone who literally has no chill. The dainty damsels critique her every movement and she adopts to be more like them to impress a feller, only to realize that she could do better being herself. She wrecks a bunch of posers at a bar brawl at the ol’ saloon to cement her authority as queen badass. This film is camp, vibrant and pretty entertaining, If you are into musicals.
THE LAST AIRBENDER
What a crap film! A perfect distraction from being dateless on Valentine’s Day. Why cry over a date, when you can cry over misrepresentation of one of the best cartoon series of all time? From gross miss-casting to shockingly bad special effects with a script that makes you think “Gee Whizz! This sure is a sack of Appa-Dung” comes a real lazy attempt at cashing in on the exceptional Nickelodeon series. Literally one of the worst. Check it out, if you have exhausted the other options on this list.
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
It’s been awhile since we’ve heard anybody do a Bane impression. Time to bring the trend back! This movies cinematographer believed that darkness was his ally in the grim toned nature of Gotham city. He adopted the dark. I’m unsure if he was born in it, but he was certainly molded by it. He didn’t see light until he was already out of film school and then it was nothing, but blinding. In terms of Batman films, this is definitely one of them.
JUMANJI
Yeah man, this one is a film too. There’s a jungle inside a board game and when Robin Williams rolls the dice, the simians come out of the game and start MONKEY-ing around. From the depths of the jungle comes terrors aplenty like lions and rhinos and weird sentient vine things. In order to stop all of the creatures emerging to wreck his dad’s gaff, Robin Williams must finish the game that he started many years ago. A young Kirsten Dunst aids him in his journey prior to her breakout performance as Mary Jane Watson in Spider-Man. Truthfully, the main reason to watch is the hunter known as Van Pelt, who displays a keen interest in mugging to the camera while proudly displaying a whopper mustache. It looks great on-screen. The special effects don’t age well. Be prepared for a rumble in the jungle when you see this charming piece of family goodness that takes you back to a time when family movies took risks.
HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK
Clearly, the best Home Alone film and a wonderful Christmas classic. Kevin McAllister returns to his usual antics of roughing up a group of burglars with household appliances. This time the burglars are in New York City, which is where poor Kevin ends up after his parents forget him again, leaving him on the wrong flight during a family holiday. The presumed step of child services arriving to collect Kevin is forgone for a sappy reunion after much turmoil of having to navigate the biggest city in the world to find their son. Donald Trump makes a cameo appearance, which might damper your mood, but hold out for Tim Curry scenes for maximum laughter and minimum intolerance towards mexican culture.
We hope we have helped you along the road to forgetting about the horrible holiday that Valentine’s Day is. Should you still be looking to fill the void of boredom this weekend, why not try making a goofy list with an arbitrary number? It works great for Buzzfeed.
