So as we’ve established from columns like Yesflix/Noflix and Screen Savers, our audience seems to enjoy when the writers have to experience something truly terrible for your enjoyment. It’s either that or our editors just get some sort of sick pleasure from it. But regardless, while I was thinking to myself “Gee, what can I do to make this Saturday special?” and coming up with a big zero in the ideas department, a wonderful little game called Shia LaBeouf: Meme Master Dating Sim showed up on my youtube feed. And that’s when I realised I know far too many games like this. Combine that with the fact that if you type any word followed by ‘dating sim’ into google you’ll find a terrifying amount of results, and boom, you have this article. Also, you have my pride, but lets face it, there wasn’t much left!
Oh boy! Y’know, I’ve never once considered the thought of dating Shia Labeouf. But clearly, someone has, and I’m actually so glad they made this game. This game is actually hilarious. I managed, on my first playthrough, to be teleported to hell by Shia for not believing in my dreams. That is the level of ridiculous we’re dealing with here, though if you want a more accurate representation, Shia seems to be measuring it with his hands in the picture to the left.
There are 10 endings to this game, in which you’ve just been told that Hollywood Superstar Shia Labeouf is coming to your school today, and he’s going to be in your class! Maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to speak with him, fall in love and live out the dreams you said you’d live tomorrow! You know, I could insert a rather crude joke involving the phrase “Just DO IT!” here, but I think you’ve all already come to that conclusion.
I can’t say I’m a wrestling fan, so I probably just don’t appreciate the appeal that is a John Cena dating sim. Maybe this game is exactly your cup of tea? In this game you play as Fucco-San, a new student at Cena High who has to move because all of his friends bullied him. Upon arrival at his new school he runs into Cena-Senpai, played by you guessed it, John Cena! You can then choose how your story goes whether you wanna go to class and meet Mr. Cena, also John Cena, or hang with Cena-Senpai and his friends Jonathan or Johnny, again played by John Cena. In case you haven’t guessed it, everyone is John Cena. Also he runs this school. So apparently we have entered into some sort of terrifying clone verse where everything is wrestling and John Cena is a supreme overlord. But at least we get to find love in this weird ass Cena-verse!
Not even having started this game, you can set the graphics settings to “Mild Mood” or “Romance”. This should be good. So I’m not gonna mince words here. It’s speed dating with pugs. I honestly don’t know if you play as a human or a pug here, all I know is that I have to make small talk with pugs and ask them what their opinion of interpretive dance and IKEA furniture is. Maybe I’m not giving this game enough credit, I mean for all I know it’s actually a statement of how speed dating boils down to a repetitive, shallow, waste of effort, and that it’s impossible to make an emotional connection to anyone, much less to a pug. Then again, maybe it’s just trying to tell me that I am in no way attractive to pugs. Seriously, not one of these dogs liked me at the end, those bitches!
Yup, you guessed correctly. It’s a Five Nights At Freddy’s dating sim. You star as the enthusiastic new security guard at Freddy Fazbears Pizza, but don’t worry! No animatronics are trying to kill you here! Nope, they just wanna talk! Or hug… or use really lame chat up lines. What’s more, you don’t have to last until morning! You can end the night anytime you want to and go home and pretend you never had to play this game… But where’s the fun in that?!
So immediately when you get into the game you talk to Phone Guy, and he goes through the usual spiel, blah, blah, blah, they might wander about. However this time when he tells you “They might just see you as a naked endoskeleton” I’m about 10 times more terrified than I’d usually be. There are 4 paths you can take, all you have to do is search the cameras for either Foxy, Freddy, Springtrap or… Balloon Boy?! What, cos romancing the highly sexualised female chicken woulda just been weird? Where’s my Chica, dammit?! Oh well, guess I’ll just have to settle for Foxy, wish me luck…