So your spent all your cash on games, porn and skittles but you have also found yourself a classy bird from a cultured herd. They’re beautiful, sophisticated and way out of your league. The only problem in sight is that you forgot Valentine’s Day and only have €10.
Step 1 – Call your chosen lady or gentleman and explain that although you know its Valentines, you think that it would be sweeter to celebrate your love for each other tomorrow when all the romantic hotspots aren’t busy with loved up couples.
Step 2 – Hit the shops, you need a gift for your chosen Valentine. The best place to go for any important event or major life crisis is a pound shop, or Euro 2 as it is now called. So for your first investment for a romantic treat, chose between either the Furry love cuffs or the Naughty Fun Playset. The playset includes a blindfold, hand cuffs, slap stick, feather teaser and a naughty origami game.
Step 3 – With €8 in hand, it’s time to visit Penny’s. A real (wo)man doesn’t buy cards, flowers or chocolates; a real (wo)man buys their lover a set of three thongs for €1.50. Bargain!
Step 4 – All that embarrassment from buying thongs will leave you hungry. So why not buy yourself a gift after looking after the Mrs/Mr. Spar will give provide you with a hot chicken roll for €1.99.
The big day has arrived, February the 15th, the day of love.
Step 5 – Armed with €4.50, its time to flatter. Meet your lover at the bus stop and offer to pay their fair, once they pay for the trip back of course.
Step 6 – 50c isn’t even needed to finish off this date, put that bad boy back into your pocket. First take your partner to the park for a stroll of holding hands and chasing pigeons.
Step 7 – After four hours of wondering around a park, offer to take your bird to a five star restaurant of fine cuisine. Tell them that they can order whatever they want, even the most expensive options on the menu. When you reach the counter in McDonalds and it comes to time for paying, pull an uncomfortable face and run towards the toilet.
Step 8 – Eat your fill while your partner enjoys the €1 fruit bag option. This is when you ask to go back to your lovers place to enjoy the thongs and Naughty Fun Playset. If you’re too full to enjoy any loving, use the handcuffs and blindfold on your partner while then settling in a different room in front of the Xbox for the night.
Enjoy your romantic evening and 50c.
Love
Cliona xoxo
Editor’s Recipe for Disaster
Ok so you have officially screwed up! You forgot Valentines Day! Don’t worry you are not the only one! Thankfully though my cat has low expectations of me and our relationship so she knew what to expect! If you don’t have ten euro to spare and your partner has already stormed out of the house we’ve got a sure fire away of putting things right!
Grab what’s in the fridge – packet of ham, mushrooms and congealed custard!
By the Grace of Jenova there was some pasta left at the bottom of the press, chuck that into a pot of boiling water.
Chop the mushrooms and ham up together and toss them into a frying pan along with the custard.
Fire some chili flakes and whatever leftover herbs and spices you have lying around.
Once browned and the pasta boiled, stir together (after draining the pasta) and add some oil.
Garnish with parsely.
The next part you have to time right, cut the tops off two candles and light them!
Serve the plates up fanning both until ice cold!
This next part is important eat some of your congealed smelly concoction – we know but just trust us!
When you hear the door slam and your stomach starts to feel like a grenade has gone off inside it you know you’re about ready to serve!
When they walk in and see you’d cooked a meal and waited AGES (wink wink have melted candles and cold dinner!!!) and when they discover that you did this while sick they are going to love you even more!
The rest of the night is spent with them doing everything you ask, fluffing your pillows, playing Co-Op Halo and fetching you a bucket to throw up ham into!
Enjoy Gamers!
