The Best 90s Toys Of My Childhood And Their Ultimate Fate
I’d just like to point out that should any of my relations or former childhood friends come out and claim anything contrary, all of these were mine at some stage! How I procured them is another matter, entirely up for the courts to decide!
These may not be the best toys of your childhood and that’s fine! You clearly had a terrible one if you didn’t at least own one of these things on the list! These might be collector items now but one time or another they were the greatest thing I owned! They would all go on to suffer terrible fates!
Please note that these weren’t the only toys I ever owned! Sure I had a Tamagotchi, Hungry Hungry Hippos and Troll Dolls but they don’t compare to the toys below! Except pogs! Those were and still are the worst toy/game ever invented! Throw Furby on that pile too! I wanted one but never understood why or what it actually was meant to do!
The Sword Of Omens
I wanted Cheetara’s Bo staff but apparently my parents were wise enough not to give me a heavy stick to hit my brothers/neighbours with. Everyone in my house had a Thundercats obsession, my parents included. The day my Mom arrived home with this for my oldest brother was the day I realised it was my destiny to lead the Thundercats.
Well! My destiny for about a week or so! Eventually I’d forget all about the sword and move on to something else, probably the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Speaking of the TMNT, I really wanted Donatello’s staff too! Wonder what that all means…
The Sword Of Omens would be found years later, water clogged, faded and the eye of thundera all but blind at the bottom of a ditch.
This Helicopter Pull String… Thing!
If you know what these things are actually called please let me know in the comments! When Sky Dancers were taking off (literally!) toy makers and marketing executives were busy trying to corner the boy market. This was the 90s so the idea of a little boy wanting a Sky Dancer was too scary to consider!
One Christmas we arrived down to find that Santa had been extra generous this year. Our confusion aside (we were terrible children), my brothers and I completely forgot about the wish list gifts that sat unwrapped all Christmas Day and played non stop with these gimmicky copters.
Over the next two days, the copters would soar too close to an open festive fire, a busy main road and beyond the patience of our parents. One by one they went to crappy but addictive toy heaven!
Pokémon Sticker Album
You know why people say you shouldn’t give drugs to kids? It’s because children are monsters that mutate into utter terrors when faced with anything remotely addictive. Case in point; the Pokémon Sticker Album. This terribly shoddy scrapbook allowed children across the world to capture and stick their favourite Pokémon to flimsy pages.
I was a pretty shy child; then this
crack scrapbook came into my life. I got so low at one point that I even stole money from my Mom’s purse to buy packets of stickers! Children and collectibles are not a good mix unless of course you’re the pusher seller.
Like any responsible parent my mother wretched the book from my hands and cast it into a fire. I believe these days more so to teach me not to steal from her than save me from my sticker obsession! She’d probably agree!
There were only two real gamers in my house growing up. My parents would dabble and my other brothers would play consoles on a wet day. For my brother Matty and I, it was more than a hobby; it was a way of life. The N64 was the first console we co-owned, we bought asked Santa for it, two games and a TV so we could play it in our room.
My parents must have thought it’s multiplayer feature would be a godsend. How they were wrong! You know what happens when two competitive gamer children get trapped in a room together? Fighting! The N64 was like a cursed monkey paw, it promised so much, gave so much but always at a cost.
The N64 is the only toy from my childhood to survive. I dare not plug it in for fear it’s gone to Nintendo heaven.
Captain Planet Action Figures
Now these were never my toys but in our house we shared and bartered and took things without permission. If we were obsessed with Thundercats then we worshipped Captain Planet. Clothes, video tapes, the tyrannically difficult video game! We lived for the Planeteers. So the action figures were treated with utmost care or at least they would have been had we not been children. The two most popular figures in our house were Linka and Gi.
Linka would wind up stuck in a drain pipe. Gi met a more devastating end when we learned that fire might be beaten by water but plastic loses every single time.
I’m still not sure what genius thought a plastic snow cone making machine would be a great Christmas/winter gift but they deserve a raise!
Mr. Frosty ended up with a drinking problem in our house! While he survived our childhood, one cocktail party too man though saw Frosty retire for good!
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!