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Fictional Feelings: Dave’s Dalliances

Fictional Feelings: Dave’s Dalliances


I’m a happily married man. I’m also a human being with emotions and urges. Though instead of cute co-workers or glamorous movie stars, the only competition my wife faces are fictional characters some person made up.

I’ve told her this on several occasions and, as someone who fancies Legolas way more than Orlando Bloom, she understands completely. Though that’s different. I’m not referring to an adolescent fantasy. This is not some Rule 34 trip.

This is real love. Right?

Princess Jasmine from Aladdin


Jasmine is my favourite Disney Princess. She is quick witted, willing to go way out of her comfort zone (“I’m a fast learner”) and despite her privileged background will absolutely throw it all away for happiness. She’s beautiful, obviously, but that she’s based off a real person (the supervising animator’s sister) makes her less of a fairy tale. Her default costume is also, thankfully, not some dumb ball gown but a distinctively 90’s tube top and low cut baggy trousers. All this plus a pet tiger, what’s not to love?

Ms. Marvel (Carol Danvers)

Ms Marvel

Back in the day I was reluctant to fall in love with any comic book characters as doing so would inevitably lead to their torture, murder and refrigeration. I read Brian Reed’s run on Ms. Marvel and I couldn’t help myself. Bursting on Marvel’s centre stage, Carol Danvers won my heart not only with her brutal, unforgiving approach to combat but her compassion and intelligence which made her just that bit sexier. When she stood up to Captain America during the civil war and actually made that patriotic meathead see things from her perspective using only her words, my enslavement was complete and devotion absolute.

Jadzia Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Jadzia Dax

Glamorous and intelligent women in Star Trek is nothing new but Deep Space Nine had the best of them all. Jadzia Dax, a 28 year old Trill with the consciousness and memories of a 300 year old symbiont, was a borderline non entity in season 1. She really came into her own when season 2 began, with her dry wit and sarcasm beaming through, her lust for life not even remotely dulled despite her age and experience. By season 6 she was an essential part of the crew who offered advice, friendship and even love to her teammates. Worf, that lucky Klingon, could not have asked for a better wife. I would fight him for her, no question.

Tali’Zorah Vas Normandy from Mass Effect 2


Right from the start Tali won me over with her bravery, focus, cute accent and technological expertise. I never fantasized about what she looked like behind her mask.

That was irrelevant to me.

If anything, the mystery made her more appealing. By Mass Effect 2 she showed great leadership qualities and calm under great pressure yet was willing to show a vulnerable side and not constrained by misjudged notions of toughening up. I fancied her in 1 but fell in love with her in 2. I won’t go into the horrors of what Bioware did to her in the third installment. Suffice to say, nobody treats my woman that way and expects to eat solids again. Nobody.

Dr. Lilith Sternin from Cheers

Lilith Sternin

I’ve saved the best for last. She is no super-hero or space adventurer but is someone who should be revered as a queen and for me is the perfect woman. Let’s add up all these factors which make her an incredible human being anyone could fall in love with. She’s gorgeous, she’s got fantastic legs, she’s vastly intelligent. she’s hilarious, she’s great at insults, she’s a well paid professional with a clinical and realistic approach to psychiatry (none of that outdated Freudian piffle with her), she can sing, she can dance, she can fight and she can shove her entire fist into her mouth. Two words. I do.