WORST
Pulse (2006)
So, yeah. I watched this one night in a friends house thinking the concept sounds like an actually scary western film. I was wrong, scary concept does not a scary film make (for the record, I was already aware of this, but sometimes we need a reminder). We did get a great kick out of how ridiculous the last act is though. Then, I find out recently that it’s a remake of a Japanese film called ‘Kairo’ (though it was released over here as ‘Pulse’ as well). Cue me finding and watching the original and realizing that ‘Pulse’ is worse than I thought. Western remakes of Japanese horror films have actually been surprisingly okay, The Ring and The Grudge are both entertaining, creepy films. This is just none of that. The concept of the film is that ghosts are coming to haunt us through the technology we use, so computers, phones, that sort of stuff. The Japanese film handles this so well, with some truly, truly jarring scenes and, in typical Japanese horror fashion, very dark overtones.
I’m going to stop there, watch the Japanese film, I want you to be as surprised and creeped out as I was. The American version just abandons all of this in favour of every cliché you can think of. The pacing is good, but the pay-off is predictable. The special effects are functional, but the motif’s are uninspired. The deaths and the mystery surrounding them does give you a sense of dread, but that is quickly dispelled by bad acting and a plot that feels a touch loose. Then the end happens. Fire and explosions everywhere. I mean good lord the film just decides IT doesn’t even want to live on this planet any more. This is probably the one remake in this list I would say check out, even just for the last couple of scenes.
House of Wax (2005)
What do you get when you take a Vincent Price horror film from 1953, strip it of all it’s tension and terror and cast Paris Hilton in one of the lead rolls? A bad film and an even worse remake, that’s what. The original House of Wax is an incredibly creepy tale of revenge, betrayal and the desire to create the ultimate attraction. The remake is a terrible pseudo-slasher with bad delivery and PARIS HILTON. IN A LEAD ROLL. The film isn’t in the least bit scary or creepy, providing the most basic and cliched of back-story for our killer, despite the original relying on us empathizing with the cloaked figure. Instead, this is literally just your standard group of teenagers end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and get picked and hunted one by one. The original story is chucked out the window in favour of something that feels like it was written in one draft and they just decided ‘yeah, that’ll do nicely!’. *SPOILER ALERT* Siamese twins? Really!?! That’s the best you could come up with!? I mean, the core narrative of people being turned into wax statues is still there, but that’s it. This is a remake in the worst sort of way, taking the original source material and just dumbing it down.
The film has two saving graces – one is that the director, Jaume Collet-Soura moved away from this film pretty fast, and did the incredibly decent ‘Orphan’ in 2009, amongst other films, and two is that Paris Hilton, WHO IS CAST IN A LEAD ROLE, gets a piece of pipe thrown straight through her empty skull in what is a righteous kill scene. That’s it. Please avoid this film unless highly intoxicated.
Day of the Dead (2008)
This films physically pains me to talk about. But I must, for the glory of making a complete article of honest opinion and warning you all of this crime against horror. So, we established that I love George A Romero’s Living Dead trilogy and the Dawn of the Dead remake. If we didn’t, well, now you know. My opinion of Day of the Dead the original is also pretty dam high. This remake is a god damn insult to George A. Romero’s work, those films and to anyone who watches it. The original film is a dark, claustrophobic insight into life after the zombie outbreak. It examines how humans have come to exist together in such small amounts, how they have come to survive and come to terms with the idea that they may be the last ones left. It examines human idealism versus dread and pessimism. And it has Bud, my favourite character in any zombie film. Bud is a zombie that is experimented on by the kind-hearted Dr. Matthew ‘Frankenstein’ Logan to see if zombies still remember being human. *SPOILER ALERT* they do, and Bud is seen as this bridge between the unending scourge of the living dead and us, the middle-ground of basic rationality and hope.
The remake is actually in minus figures it has so little of this. First of all, the film starts off with the zombie apocalypse just starting a small town. It’s meant to be a worldwide plague by now. Second, the film features the military base above ground. It’s meant to be underground and they are meant to be all that’s left. Thirdly, and dam it it annoys me so much…..*deep breath*…… They replaced Bud with an incompetent young soldier who is assigned to the female lead, promptly develops a crush on her and is then killed by zombies three quarters of the way through the film. At WHAT point did that seem like a good idea? Taking away one of the core points of Romero’s classic, and just removing any level of metaphor or abstract meaning attached and making the character fodder for a romantic relationship is just, it defies all logic. I am okay with films changing certain parts of stories for remakes or adaptations to modernize, or perhaps even better the core material, but to bastardize the piece entirely is simply lazy film-making. Throw in a completely z-list cast, bar Ving Rhames, who ALMOST removes the love I have for his performance in Dawn of the Dead, VERY standard pacing and movie gimmicks and you have a remake that is nothing of the original.
This is a film to avoid. Watch the original. Watch it again. Forget this exists. Please.
Y’know what’s worse though? THEY’RE MAKING ANOTHER ONE.
WORST
Pulse (2006)
So, yeah. I watched this one night in a friends house thinking the concept sounds like an actually scary western film. I was wrong, scary concept does not a scary film make (for the record, I was already aware of this, but sometimes we need a reminder). We did get a great kick out of how ridiculous the last act is though. Then, I find out recently that it’s a remake of a Japanese film called ‘Kairo’ (though it was released over here as ‘Pulse’ as well). Cue me finding and watching the original and realizing that ‘Pulse’ is worse than I thought. Western remakes of Japanese horror films have actually been surprisingly okay, The Ring and The Grudge are both entertaining, creepy films. This is just none of that. The concept of the film is that ghosts are coming to haunt us through the technology we use, so computers, phones, that sort of stuff. The Japanese film handles this so well, with some truly, truly jarring scenes and, in typical Japanese horror fashion, very dark overtones.
I’m going to stop there, watch the Japanese film, I want you to be as surprised and creeped out as I was. The American version just abandons all of this in favour of every cliché you can think of. The pacing is good, but the pay-off is predictable. The special effects are functional, but the motif’s are uninspired. The deaths and the mystery surrounding them does give you a sense of dread, but that is quickly dispelled by bad acting and a plot that feels a touch loose. Then the end happens. Fire and explosions everywhere. I mean good lord the film just decides IT doesn’t even want to live on this planet any more. This is probably the one remake in this list I would say check out, even just for the last couple of scenes.
House of Wax (2005)
What do you get when you take a Vincent Price horror film from 1953, strip it of all it’s tension and terror and cast Paris Hilton in one of the lead rolls? A bad film and an even worse remake, that’s what. The original House of Wax is an incredibly creepy tale of revenge, betrayal and the desire to create the ultimate attraction. The remake is a terrible pseudo-slasher with bad delivery and PARIS HILTON. IN A LEAD ROLL. The film isn’t in the least bit scary or creepy, providing the most basic and cliched of back-story for our killer, despite the original relying on us empathizing with the cloaked figure. Instead, this is literally just your standard group of teenagers end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and get picked and hunted one by one. The original story is chucked out the window in favour of something that feels like it was written in one draft and they just decided ‘yeah, that’ll do nicely!’. *SPOILER ALERT* Siamese twins? Really!?! That’s the best you could come up with!? I mean, the core narrative of people being turned into wax statues is still there, but that’s it. This is a remake in the worst sort of way, taking the original source material and just dumbing it down.
The film has two saving graces – one is that the director, Jaume Collet-Soura moved away from this film pretty fast, and did the incredibly decent ‘Orphan’ in 2009, amongst other films, and two is that Paris Hilton, WHO IS CAST IN A LEAD ROLE, gets a piece of pipe thrown straight through her empty skull in what is a righteous kill scene. That’s it. Please avoid this film unless highly intoxicated.
Day of the Dead (2008)
This films physically pains me to talk about. But I must, for the glory of making a complete article of honest opinion and warning you all of this crime against horror. So, we established that I love George A Romero’s Living Dead trilogy and the Dawn of the Dead remake. If we didn’t, well, now you know. My opinion of Day of the Dead the original is also pretty dam high. This remake is a god damn insult to George A. Romero’s work, those films and to anyone who watches it. The original film is a dark, claustrophobic insight into life after the zombie outbreak. It examines how humans have come to exist together in such small amounts, how they have come to survive and come to terms with the idea that they may be the last ones left. It examines human idealism versus dread and pessimism. And it has Bud, my favourite character in any zombie film. Bud is a zombie that is experimented on by the kind-hearted Dr. Matthew ‘Frankenstein’ Logan to see if zombies still remember being human. *SPOILER ALERT* they do, and Bud is seen as this bridge between the unending scourge of the living dead and us, the middle-ground of basic rationality and hope.
The remake is actually in minus figures it has so little of this. First of all, the film starts off with the zombie apocalypse just starting a small town. It’s meant to be a worldwide plague by now. Second, the film features the military base above ground. It’s meant to be underground and they are meant to be all that’s left. Thirdly, and dam it it annoys me so much…..*deep breath*…… They replaced Bud with an incompetent young soldier who is assigned to the female lead, promptly develops a crush on her and is then killed by zombies three quarters of the way through the film. At WHAT point did that seem like a good idea? Taking away one of the core points of Romero’s classic, and just removing any level of metaphor or abstract meaning attached and making the character fodder for a romantic relationship is just, it defies all logic. I am okay with films changing certain parts of stories for remakes or adaptations to modernize, or perhaps even better the core material, but to bastardize the piece entirely is simply lazy film-making. Throw in a completely z-list cast, bar Ving Rhames, who ALMOST removes the love I have for his performance in Dawn of the Dead, VERY standard pacing and movie gimmicks and you have a remake that is nothing of the original.
This is a film to avoid. Watch the original. Watch it again. Forget this exists. Please.
Y’know what’s worse though? THEY’RE MAKING ANOTHER ONE.
