Our Sean has a bit of gripe this year after looking at some of the biggest releases due out this year it seems he spiralled into a movie-based depression! Why you ask? Well take a look and see for yourself as 2012 looks set for absolutely mega/colossal/gigantic/hugenmorous S***E!
From the list of upcoming movies coming this year, these were among the first cut off the list. These are some movies that you just know are not going to be good, but will somehow break the box office wide open. So just to spell it out quiet clearly, the movies on this list are probably best avoided unless you hate yourself and feel like indulging in some self loathing while gawking wide eyed at the crap on the big screen!.
Star Wars: Episode 1 The Phantom Menace 3D
Director: George Lucas
Release Date: February
Notable Cast: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman and that Damned Kid
Oh look George Lucas is messing with Star Wars again, this time in 3D. For this we tried to count how man versions of Star Wars there have been, between difference edits, cuts and new media releases and we had to give up. Well they are adding a another set, and probably with more meaningless edits or additions. This movie will of course break all the box office records all over again as everyone goes to see it to tide them over until Episodes 4-6 get released in 2015-2017.
It’s like Mr. Lucas just wants us to hate him?!
Titanic 3D
Director: James Cameron
Release Date: April
Notable Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane
April 2012 will mark the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, What better way to commemorate this that re-release 1997 classic, sure that sounds good right? So why don’t we just do it 3D too. 3D is hard enough to pull off when a movie is shot with 3D in mind with 3D cameras. 3D-ing a movie in post production ( and a 15 year old on at that ) just never works. If they just remastered it, put it on the big screen and then follow up with a BLU RAY like they did with Jurassic Park last year, I’d happily go see it. But with some migraine inducing 3D and uncomfortable glasses . . . No Thanks.
Men in Black III
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Release Date: May
Notable Cast: Will Smith, Josh Brolin and five minutes of Tommy Lee Jones (Probably)
It’s only been 10 years since MIB2 so let’s do a sequel, but Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t want to do it. He lets just go back in time and have a different actor play Agent K, problem solved and just wait for the money to pile up. Also lets put it in 3D. We were also kinda sad that in the trailer as the Nueralizer seems to be white and not red anymore.
Brave “3D”
Director: Mark Andrews
Release Date: June
Notable Cast: Kelly MacDonald, Julie Walters, Kevin McKidd, Billy Connolly
When we first heard about this it seemed like it would be amazing, Pixar, Great voice cast, ancient celtic times, a young girl out to prove she can be just as good as the everyone else. On paper this seems like it would be a movie of the year, but after watching the trailer is seems to just be falling a bit flat. Maybe Pixar are getting a little complacent with all the Cars money they have rolling in.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
She looks as crap as the movie!
Director: Bill Condon
Release Date: November
Notable Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
The final movie in the list to avoid is maybe the one you should avoid the most. The final part of the Twilight Saga, concludes of the story of the awful human being that is Bella Swan and her sparkly vampires and hairless werewolves. There is no need to talk about how Stephanie Meyer has given young girls the worst role model to look up to in recent years (possibly even decades) right?
– Words by Sean Mulkerrin
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!
