Oh lord, we really didn’t want to watch this movie because if our collection of Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter movies has thought us anything it’s that you do not make a movie based on a video game… especially if that video game is a beat’ em up! We’ve seen complete and utter disasters being spewed at us from Van Dame’s ridiculous stunt as Guile, Kristin Kreuk as Chun Li (Boooooo Hissss) to Holly Valance tramping it up as Christie from Dead or Alive so were we expecting anything different from Tekken? Did we get our hopes up? Were we determined to enjoy this movie from the start?
… What do you think?!
To any screenwriter or producer reading this… PLEASE CONSULT FANS BEFORE SLAPPING TOGETHER A SHOTTY LOW BUDGET FIGHTING MOVIE BASED ON OUR GAMES
You tell us what looks better…
What’s it about?
Surprise surprise the Tekken movie follows very little of the lore and background of the games, while there are certain similarities in character backgrounds it’s probably best that if you do decide to watch this (against our warning and your own better judgement) that you attempt to flush your memory of any knowledge of the games history for fear of tainting the series!
Tekken is a based in a world where society as we know it no longer exists and after a series of world wars, corporations have taken over the world, the strongest of these being Tekken, ruler of North American territories!
In an attempt to appease the squabbling masses, head of the Tekken Corporation Heihachi Mishima hosts the annual Iron Fist tournament and welcomes fighters from all over the world to enter and gain honour and wealth. Outside the city of Tekken are the slums or the Anvil, a desolate place which also happens to be home to Jin Kazama, a smuggler who lives with his mother (who just happens to be a Master of several forms of martial arts). After Kazuya orders a crackdown on the violence in the slums in which Jun is killed… (Seriously not making this up) Jin enters the tournament after beating Marshall Law. Here he meets Steve Fox, a man willing to be his manager, Christie Monteiro a mixed martial artist who aids him along the way, Jin uncovers a past that holds the key to his future and will learn that vengeance is not his real path.
Who is in it?
Firstly not everyone in this film is terrible – Jin Kazama is portrayed by Jon Foo, who after many years as an un-credited fighter is finally earning a name for himself. Unfortunately his talents aren’t enough to win over this film for us and he is actually hindered by a cast of beautiful but not very talent actors. With respect to the profession none of these people (with the exception of Foo) should ever be allowed stand behind a camera again unless they are posing for model shots or something – performances all round in this film from the main cast to the one liners (the two guys who harass Jin in the bar have a special place in hell reserved for them) really should look into a different career path.
What should I watch instead?
Fight Club
Kung Fu Hustle
Anything with Bruce Lee!
Is it really that bad?
Painful to watch and we had to sit through the whole thing. Ignoring the complete shambles they made of the characters backgrounds, there really isn’t enough in this movie to make us rethink our decision – it is a definite movie to be avoided and that’s a shame! The Tekken games have always gone from strength to strength (main games here none of those disastrous spinoffs) and we’re aware that Hollywood is by no means got a glowing record when it comes to video game movies but we had to check it out just to be sure! Forget about it guys, spend your 92 minutes playing the games instead! AVOID THIS ONE LIKE IT IS THE PLAGUE – TRUST US!
