A few weeks after we started TheArcade.ie our tiny office was flooded with letters looking for help. An outpouring from readers around the world desperate for advice and guidance. Unable to deal with the volume, we just ignored them hoping they would go away. They haven’t! So in an effort to deal with our problem we’ve decided to bring in some help to fix it!
This is ‘Dear Arcade…’ and these are genuine letters from genuine sources about genuine problems!
Enjoy!
Letter #1 Not So Sunnydale
Letter #2 – Everyone’s A Freak
Letter #1 Not So Sunnydale
Dear Arcade…
I’m a Freshman at Sunnydale High! Go Razorbacks! Anyway I’m a little anxious about starting High School.
I’m not sure I’ll fit in exactly! I have a very severe allergy to sunlight and as a result a very strict diet plan to ensure I get the required nutrients to survive.
I really don’t want my condition to weird people out or draw any unnecessary attention to myself.
I need your help!
Yours,
Not A Vampire!
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Dear Not A Vampire…
High School can be tough! I hope the construction repairs are coming along well on the school’s west wing. You couldn’t pay me to go back there! In fact the only way you’d get me to set foot on campus would be some sort of demonic possession or something! I’d hate to be in your shoes. All said and done if you want to survive Sunnydale High then your best bet is to befriend and cling to a girl called Buffy! She’s been known to pal around and even hook up with people of your disposition and skin complexion!
All else fails, just leave and we’ll try out your own spin-off series! That worked well for that other non-vampire guy Buffy knew!
All the best,
The Arcade
Letter #2 – Everyone’s A Freak
Dear Arcade…
I’ve recently started in a private school. Mommy and Daddy heard of a very prestigious and elite school that only a select few have the opportunity to attend. I couldn’t wait! I rubbed it in everyone’s face when I got the offer!
The trouble is; everyone who goes here and works here is a freak! There’s one guy who wears sunglasses… in doors! This lady teacher faints at the mere idea of doing a bit of work! Don’t even get me started on the student populace!
I need your help! How do I make these people see they’re not normal?
Yours,
Totally average!
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Dear Totally Average…
SURPRISE! You’re a frickin’ mutant! Prestigious school? You’ve been sent to a glorified prison, one that’s been rebuilt more times than my failed career as an Agony Aunt!
Take a deep breath and brace yourself, you’ll fit in soon! Try exposing yourself to life and death situations! If you survive then I guarantee you’ll fit in with all those other weirdos!
Don’t ever write to me again…
Yours,
The Arcade
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!
