Ahh, Halloween! There are so many things to enjoy about this holiday! The costumes, the candy, the never ending spooks and jumpscares! And every year, so many of us go into our Halloween routine. We do everything we can to put ourselves in the mood for some scare, including pumpkin carving. But beware, unless you’re some sort of artistic pumpkin carving super god, this is what you have to look forward to:
Step One: The Inspiration
It all begins with an idea. No one goes into pumpkin carving without knowing what they’re going to draw. And with so many examples on the internet, it has to be really easy! I mean, just look at this Nightmare Before Christmas pumpkin!
You’re artsy! You could totally achieve something that’s at least close to that! Or how about this anime inspired pumpkin?
Well maybe you’re not artsy enough for that? Maybe you’re a techy nerd! Even you could figure out how to rig up this playable Tetris pumpkin with the right parts, right?
Yeah! You could totally do that! Come on! Let’s show that pumpkin who’s boss! This will be easy!
Step 2: The Prep
Okay, so you have your idea. You have your tools, and you have the determination that will certainly help you create a masterpiece. But what are you missing in your premeditated pumpkin mutilation? That’s right! A Pumpkin! Head on down to your nearest grocery store and find yourself the biggest pumpkin you can. You’ll need a big canvas to work on for what you’re planning! Try to find a good one, but don’t fondle them as the woman below is demonstrating.
Step 3: Carving your pumpkin!
It’s finally time! Draw out your epic design on the face of the pumpkin with a black marker, get your knives ready and get ready to become a Halloween legend! We just make a few incisions here…
Remember to scoop out the insides. Trust me, it’s not as gross as it sounds. I mean really, it’s just vegetable guts. Not like it’s puking the seeds out!
Oh… Okay, I stand corrected. Pumpkins are gross, gotta wash my hands 5 times now.
Step 4: The inevitable disappointment
That’s it! You’re finally done! Now it’s time to see how your masterpiece turned out. With a hopeful glint in your eye, you hope the expression on his face truly conveys the nuance you wanted to achieve!
“What!?” I hear you cry, “But I did all that carving! That was really hard to do! And I had to put my hand in pumpkin guts!” Never in your life will you experience a more Homer Simpson like feeling of “Why doesn’t mine look like that!?” than after carving a pumpkin. It’s inevitable. The people you see on the internet who create such masterful displays of pumpkin evisceration are clearly weirdos or magical beings who dedicate their entire lives to the craft.
Take solace in the fact that your unholy failure will only be alive for 3 weeks max, and will probably look far scarier when it’s rotting than when you carved it.
Regardless of your Halloween failures (Or victories, who knows, maybe you’re a magical pumpkin artiste!) be sure to enjoy the process. If nothing else, you can always throw the guts at people you hate… or trick or treaters! Happy Halloween, everybody!
