Eugh! Look as taboo as it is in Ireland to bash the Sun and the heat there are those of us who just can’t seem to handle it (that would be me included!) and as the nation settles in for a toasty few more days, lads walking around like topless silverback gorillas and girls wearing sunglasses four times bigger than their head, I needed a distraction! And what better way to distract myself from the ridiculously roasting temperatures than by counting my blessings that I don’t live in some of the hottest worlds/levels in video game lands!
So grab your sunscreen, fill up your water pistol and prepare to burn as together we travel across scorched deserts, lava wastelands all of which bake under the smug grin of a terrifying sun!
5/ Pokémon Red – Cinnabar Gym
Screw you Blaine, you fire type using smug quuestion asking son of a Jynx! What kind of psychopath builds his gym over a pool of molten fire?! To top it off to reach the guy you have to answer a truck load of questions AND then fight his Rapidash and Growlithe! To say I was unprepared meeting this guy the first time is an understatement!
4/ Ocarina of Time – Gerudo Desert/Valley
Just listen to that music, it burns with the intensity of a Spanish sun as you’re dragged from market stall to old building, galleries without air conditioning and not a sign of water to drink! The Gerudo Desert/Valley is the exact opposite of what one usually thinks of when you picture Hyrule!
Expansive mystical woods, plush underwater gardens and roaming green meadows… yeah you’re not going to find anything like that here! What you will find is sand, tough challenges and seriously p*ssed off Gerudo and why wouldn’t they be! The predominantly female race (with the exception of Ganondorf as far as we know) are skilled fighters, highly territorial and very quick to attack/haul your ass off to jail for entering their domain!
It’s here that Link faces some of his toughest challenges, including his with with Koume and Kotake aka Twinrova, who team up to take you down… wish isn’t really fair but what do you expect from sun dried twin sister witches who practically raised Ganondorf!
3/ Final Fantasy VII – Corel Prison
Cait Sith doesn’t exactly sugar coat it for us now does she/he?
Corel Prison is a wonderful place is you like hardened criminals, the blazing sun and an almost never ending desert wasteland and throw in the fact that your whole party seems to be falling apart emotionally and this stage of the game is found UNDER THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD then yeah Corel Prison is a very specific form of hell! And I didn’t even mention that Barrett finds himself coming face to face with the father of his surrogate daughter and they aren’t exactly best pals anymore. Corel Prison is also dotted with the metal wrecksm rubbish from Golden Disc so on top of the heat you’ll also have to contend with tetanus and unsanitary living conditions! What? You didn’t think you’d escape did you? Have you already forgotten what the cat sitting on top of a giant moogle said?
2/ World of Warcraft – Firelands
“The Firelands is the molten domain forged by the titans to house Ragnaros and his wayward minions. Following Deathwing’s emergence into Azeroth, Ragnaros and his servants surged onto the slopes of Mount Hyjal before being driven back by the sacred mountain’s valiant defenders. Now Ragnaros is rallying his loyalists to defend the Firelands from Azeroth’s champions.”
If you need me, I won’t be found in the Firelands any time soon!
1/ Super Mario Bros. 3 – World 2
It’s getting hot in here so take off all your… nevermind! Right I’m finishing this countdown off with a classic! Super Mario Bros. 3 World 2, it’s World 2 for Koopa’s sake! How tough can it be?! Well let me tell you and I’ll forgive your impertinence and impatience, we’re all cranky with the heat! First released in 1988, Super Mario Bros. 3 puts Mario and Luigi into the middle of a serious crisis, Peach has been nabbed… again… and on top of that seven other (probably important) leaders from across the Mushroom Kingdom have been snatched by Bowser and his minions so you’ll have to probably try save them too!
World 2 is a harsh terrain, scorching sands, blistering heat and that’s not to mention fire snakes, quicksand and the heat-addled brains of goombas and koopas and I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet! In this World, the Sun… yes the Sun is out to murder you! It will actually move it’s flaming ass out of the sky in an attempt to burn you to a cinder! Just look at his menacing expression, he’s out for Italian plumber blood!
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!