That’s right I’m afraid that it’s that time again. E3 2017 is around the corner which means everyone and their mothers is going through their predictions. Of course, these predictions articles will all be very similar, a few things that are almost certainly going to happen and one or two things that haven’t a chance but the writer wants it. So here’s your cover-all, almost every E3 predictions article rolled up into one.
- Well, I hope you’re ready for a whole heaping tire fire of Scorpio news! 4 nonillion transistors! Quantum fluxing power supplies! Gravitationally ionised screws! A big black box! A controller! A higher price than people want! It’s gonna have it all.
- Oh did you want games with that as well? There’ll be a big dude in green armour shooting things in space (if it’s ready)! How about a big dude shooting people in a city to crack down on crime (if it isn’t cancelled by now)? Don’t like shooting things? Well, they’ve got cars! They go forward! They turn! They comically bounce off any cars or rails they hit while travelling 160MPH! Still not interested!? Well then take a slick and impressive looking platformer that is so Disney it’s probably fighting off a lawsuit (if it ever gets released)!
- And that’s it! Move on! I mean, unless someone there has gone totally mental and they’re going to try and revive Kinect yet again. Or maybe try and let people get more into their games by continually introducing stuff that gets in the way of playing your games!
- Who is ready for a show that just opens with the most self-gratifying 10-minute straight laugh ever recorded? Because chances are that’s what we’re getting here after Yakuza 0, Nioh, Persona 5, NieR Automata and Horizon Zero Dawn knocked many balls out of many parks.
- Is he done? Okay, he’s done, now we can move on to some new games. OH WAIT NO! First, there’s the boasting of the upcoming games we already know about; The Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy which isn’t out yet a year after reveal! God Of War: Kratos Learns To Love which basically hasn’t been seen since being revealed last year! The Last Of Us 2: Even Laster which also hasn’t been seen since its reveal a year ago! Man everything new we see here is going to be the second half of 2018 isn’t it? Anyway, probably some more completely incomprehensible stuff about Death Stranding, but damn if it won’t be cool looking rubbish.
- Enter the third parties! It’s time to brag about having the advertising deals, and probably some timed exclusive DLC because this is the game industry, for all the big rooty tooty point and shooty franchises. Also Square Enix is here! And they brought a new trailer for Final Fantasy VII Remake and Kingdom Hearts 3! It’s like freaking Christmas here! Mainly because it only happens once a year!
- I don’t even know, some mad surprise. Given in the past Sony shows have revealed Final Fantasy Versus XIIIs transformation into Final Fantasy XV, a way too early reveal of KH 3, the fact that a Final Fantasy VII remake is a real thing, the idea that Shenmue 3 is on it’s way and some I’ve probably missed, there’s just no earthly way of knowing which direction this will go in.
- GUNS! STAR WARS! GUNS! CARS! SPORTS! VIOLENCE! DONE! get out.
- Prey 2! It’ll get canned in two years and then 11 years from now a reboot will come out, I assume it’s the accepted schedule now.
- Wolfenstein! Because you don’t have to worry about morality when you’re killing Nazis. It’ll be like Indiana Jones, without the treasure, or whip, or Harrison Ford, or Sean Connery. So nothing like Indiana Jones, but you know, Nazis.
- A presenter giving his entire spiel while standing in the T pose
- It just works
- Elder Scrolls? What’s that? Never heard of it.
- DANCING! COLOURS! LICENCED MUSIC TO MAKE YOU ASSOCIATE GOOD THINGS!
- Hey, guys! For Honor! Right!? It was good, wasn’t it!? Buy our microtransactions! Also sorry we spelt honour wrong in the title!
- TOM CLANCEY! Use guns! Shoot the bad people! Protect America!
- ASSASSIN’S CREED! It’s back! Egypt! Funky knives! Two protagonists again, from a franchise that has frequently failed to write one! Boats! A known historical figu- wait shit there are boats in it again? Goddammit, where’s the pre-order page?
- BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL 2! Remember everything you loved about the original? Well we got rid of it, here’s a war shooter except this time you have a camera AND a gun!
That’s it. That’s E3 100% summed up, guaranteed.*
If for some reason you want to watch the conferences, perhaps to see how stunningly bang on I have been, the times for the shows are as follows:
EA – Saturday June 10 – 7PM GMT / 8PM BST
Microsoft – Sunday June 11 – 9PM GMT / 10PM BST
Bethesda – Monday June 12 – No announced time
Sony – Tuesday June 13 – 1AM GMT / 2AM BST
Ubisoft – Not yet announced
Nintendo – Doing their own thing whenever they feel like doing it
*In no way a guarantee, though in all likelihood probably over 50% correct anyway.