Okay, I’m slightly cheating with this article. This isn’t really a boss, more like a specific mechanic in a point and click game, but I don’t care. It involves a fight with someone else, so this is a boss of sorts. And my favourite thing of Monkey Island as well! For the sake of transparency, these screenshots were taken from the Special Edition version, I just switched it to the old graphics because I grew up with those.
Fighting (and defeating) Carla is one of the three tasks the Very Important Pirate Leaders give us. And it’s not as simple as just going there and fighting her, this is an adventure game so it’ll have a twist, but in this case it’s a good one.
Once you take care of the preliminary stuff (Getting money to a sword, buying a sword and convincing the troll to let you cross the bridge) you go to Captain Smirk’s to learn how to fight. He teaches you the basics but then he says this “Swordfighting is a little like making love. It’s not always what you do, but what you say.” And thus we’re introduced to “Insult Sword Fighting.”
“You fight like a dairy farmer.” “How appropriate, you fight like a cow”
Smirk teaches you a couple of insults, like the one in the heading. Then he sends you out there to make a name for yourself and hone your skills. And from that moment on, it’s dueling time.
You’ll see random pirates walking around the map. You get to challenge those pirates to duels to hone your skills and learn insults. You’ll lose a lot in the beginning, but it’s still fun because you’ll get to learn insults like “I once had a dog smarter than you.” The key is using those new insults on pirates until you get the comebacks.
Once you win enough duels, pirates will tell you that you’re good enough to fight the sword master. And while it might be tempting it’s advisable to learn the remaining insults and comebacks. This is important.
Once you’re ready, you still have to get to Carla. Problem is you don’t know where she lives, although the Very Important Pirates told you the shopkeeper knows where she lives. If you ask him about it, he will leave to visit her. You’ll follow him until he gets there and you’re free to challenge her after he goes.
“My tongue is sharper than any sword.”
When you fight the other pirates, the insults alternate back and forth, but only if you (or they) know the comebacks. Not with Carla. You don’t get to insult Carla, Carla insults you. And she uses insults you’ve never heard before!
This bothered me when I was a kid, it was unfair. I lost several times so I just decided to test her insults on the other pirates, but that didn’t work. They said something like “Hey, that’s not fair! You’re using the Sword Master insults!”
After some more attempts I realised the key to this duel. Carla insults are original but the comebacks you have will work against them, if she says “I will milk every drop of blood from your body!” you can reply with “How appropriate, you fight like a cow!” and so on. That’s why getting all the comebacks is vital, if you go unprepared you might win, but the most probable thing is that she’ll whoop your ass.
Sooner or later, you will end up winning and you’ll get Guybrush closer to his dream of becoming a pirate. You have defeated the Sword Master of Mêlée Island™ and all you got was a stupid tshirt!
Insult Sword Fighting is one of the most remembered things of this game (Orson Scott-Card wrote some of the insults). It was noticeably absent from the second one but reappeared in the third, the fourth one tried to have it back but it served no real purpose (much like that game).
You can buy The Secret of Monkey Island on Steam or GOG, it’s a must and so is the sequel. But if you just want to try your hand at Insult Sword Fighting then check this out, you won’t regret it.
Angry Spaniard, adoptive Irishman. Writer, reader, tea drinker and video game player/designer.
