Also known as ‘A Cynical Guide To E3 2016’.
E3 2016 is right around the corner, thankfully I can tell you everything that’s going to happen. Is it because I can see into the future? Or is it because the game industry is quite predictable and bad at keeping secrets?
EA – Sunday June 12 9PM BST
- Battlefield 1 will be the centrepiece, a thrilling single-player game telling the sordid and sorrowful tale of the first world war in an incredibly bombastic tone that really won’t fit it at all. Oh, and some multiplayer bollocks.
- Staying on shooty bang-bang games Titanfall 2 will get shown off. It shall be heralded as the best shooter game that has ever graced the eyeballs of mankind, for about three seconds until something more interesting comes along.
- Star Wars Battlefront will have its DLC shown off. Everyone will marvel at the look of it and then think if it was all free, the game would probably be worth its original price tag.
- Mass Effect Andromeda will get new information and they’ll just sort of pretend they didn’t announce it last year, they also assure everyone that the ending will have at least five colour palettes this time.
- The sports block lasts far too long and goes into far too much detail as always. EA will continue their stunning work in emulating realism in FIFA and will let players run illicit money laundering operations on the side. UFC will continue championing beating the crap out of people as something rational people do.
- Criterion Games new IP will be unveiled and makes everyone wish for Burnout Paradise 2
- Mirrors Edge Catalyst will finally have a please buy this moment and you can hear the sound of people around the world thinking “please be as good as the first”
Bethesda – Sunday June 13 3AM BST
- Todd Howard, Crowned Prince of Lies comes out to gloat about the success of Fallout 4. He does this by having all of the money it made dumped onto the stage in a pile of singles and saying only he can climb that mountain
- We will be reminded that The Elder Scrolls Online was sadly not a shared fever dream, as one of the developers struggles to hold back tears while everyone falls asleep during the presentation of new DLC.
- Hoping to repeat the success of Fallout Shelter, Elder Scrolls Legends will get shown off and a release date announced. The perfect game for someone who wants to play Hearthstone without the Hearthstone bit.
- The show then finally starts to gain my interest as Dishonored 2 makes an appearance and I don’t have a joke for this one I just want the game already
- Finally DOOM will be mentioned while the host just stands and laughs in victory for five straight minutes
Microsoft – Monday June 13 5:30PM BST
- LOUD MUSIC AND BRIGHT FLASHING GREEN LIGHTS! DO YOU KNOW IT’S A MICROSOFT SHOW YET?
- Main Microsoft man Phil Spencer is there, he changes shirts at least five times and depending on how bad he thinks the show is going, once on camera
- Gears of War 4 is there, renamed to Setpiece of War 4. It will not explain how Fenix Juniour looks so pretty despite growing out of Marcus’ dislodged beard spores, but rest assured that his best friend will likely die before this is over
- Forza shows up and the next 7 minutes are just CARS, CARS, CARS
- Crackdown 3 will appear, and work will have actually started on it unlike when they revealed it. No joke here, what the hell Microsoft?
- It will be revealed that the Scalebound delay was caused by an internal conflict between Microsoft and Platinum Games about whether or not they can render the dragon as a big monster truck with a gun strapped to it
- Recore, one of the most interesting games Microsoft has in the wings will only be shown for ten seconds to make more time for the next item
- The Xbox Slim is announced, it has graduated from being the size of a Betamax player to the size of a VHS player, everyone with a normal sized room breathes a sigh of relief
- Then they will announce the Xbox Scorpio at the original size, and promptly balls it up further by changing the name to something far worse
- All the screens on stage and all live stream feeds will flash a single frame of the Windows 10 logo periodically throughout the show. Microsoft confirm that the OS’ key feature of forced, unwanted installations will be brought to Xbox One by the end of the year.
PC Gaming Show – Monday June 13 8PM BST
Ubisoft – Monday June 13 9PM BST
- Watch Dogs 2 leads the show, everyone watches and hopes it pulls off an Assassins Creed II moment but as they just repeat the same spiel from the first game like it’s new and abuse the word iconic that hope dies. It reveals to be an Ubisoft sandbox game complete with things we’ve never seen before like towers, and outposts
- Aisha Tyler will continue to use Girlwood like the word is a gut destroyingly funny joke by itself, alongside the most recent memes corporate knows about.
- Ghost Recons Bland Drug Adventure will be demoed and it will show almost all of the games cool gadgets in one 6 minute scene, leaving the remaining hours of the game as normal murder everything that moves gameplay
- The Division and Rainbow Six: Siege both get DLC shown off. These four games constitute over 3/4s of show and they are all just variations on shooty bangs
- They finally mix this up as the upcoming South Park: The Fractured But Whole will be shown off, people start to wonder how much distance these South Park games will go and when will we get sick of them
- For Honor shows up and will be swiftly followed by people on the internet who know nothing about swords outside of video games lecturing everyone on how to use swords. Also irritating anyone who knows how to spell the word honour.
- Then whatever musician Ubisoft could get to answer their calls walks out and lip syncs poorly to their own song while professionally trained dancers dance through the isles, showing Ubisoft still don’t realise what a demonstration of Just Dance should be
- For the first time in a long long time Assassin’s Creed will not be there, save for mentioning it and the three small downloadable games the franchise has had while on break. (Ubisoft, I think you need a dictionary, it’s not a break if you’re still releasing games)
- Finally a new IP will be shown off at the end because after this long Ubisoft still thinks it’s surprising people with it’s ‘Oh one more thing’ moments. That said the game won’t be a straight up pirate game with mechanics from AC4: Black Flag, so who gives a shit.
Sony – Tuesday June 14 2AM
- If you want a montage you are in the right place, likely with mediocre music. It will show about 2.4 seconds of Persona 5 and I will wait for it to appear again during the show only it never will….
- The Last Guardian leads the show causing IGN editors in the audience to cough and look at their feet in awkward shame and embarrassment after declaring the game cancelled
- Square Enix will likely join the stage to show off Final Fantasy XV before it releases, which they will then mess up by overshadowing it and showing a new trailer for Final Fantasy VII Remake
- Depending on how much time they have on stage we could see a Kingdom Hearts III trailer that will make parents realise they’ll have to explain so many characters to their kids
- Horizon: Zero Dawn will be shown, and a delay to 2017 announced. Depressing everyone with a soul because it’s robot dinosaurs. ROBOT! DINOSAURS! If the delay is to add the ability to ride the dinosaurs however, then all is forgiven
- The rumoured God of War 4 will be announced and the prospect of murdering your way through a whole different pantheon of gods will distract people from thinking about how it’s been six years since God of War 3
- No Man’s Sky will get a short trailer, along with an apology for the delay. The trailer will show exactly what you do in the game, like the previous ones, but people will continue to complain they know nothing about it
- The PS4 Neo will be announced, with 60% more angles in the design
- Gloating about the sales of PSVR will go on and on while everyone who has ordered one will pray that Sony will not half ass the support like they have with handhelds
- Activision will appear and talk about Call of Duty and Destiny. You can take a nap here, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before
- The wildcard section where they will try and have their ‘steal the whole show’ moment is hard to predict. All I know is I want my new Crash Bandicoot game! You’ve been teasing it long enough Sony!