8 Ways To Deal With An Irish Zombie Apocalypse
Ireland may or may not be the ideal place for a zombie apocalypse to occur, but we’re hardy, tolerable bucks here and if in doubt we can always turn to our sagely granny or the folks on RTE for stellar advice on how to survive.
We kid! The best information you’ll hear from either of those sources would be to put on a cardigan before you head outside.
The Arcade can help you with all of your apocalypse needs (well, the advice part of those needs…) so take a look at our list and get prepared in case our dead ever leave their graves!
Put on the tea
Zombies passing by your house like a bunch of hungover college students? Don’t fret, just pop on the tea and figure out what you’re going to do over the sweet comforting aroma of a cup of Barry’s.
If all you have in the house is Lyon’s then you’ll just have to make due. This is an apocalypse after all, we have to make sacrifices.
Head to the pub
If all of the nosy neighbours and former friends in your life are suddenly moaning and shuffling their way around your neighbourhood, you could be forgiven for thinking it’s Paddy’s Day.
Even if it’s not and you’re in a lovely state of delusion, head to the pub and have a few pints Shaun of the Dead style. It worked for them, it’ll work for you too!
Stock up on messages
Your mammy will probably be well on top of this apocalypse business, so your first port of call (if you’re going to try to survive this thing) is to run to Dunnes to get the messages.
Don’t be picking up any chocolate Yazoo drinks or Tayto crisps either, only the essentials like canned goods and booze.
Pop by a farm
Outside the cities and big towns, you can’t drive 2 minutes without coming across a field filled with cows or horses, so you won’t have much trouble finding a farm (though beware of feverish cows with bloodshot eyes mooing away… they’re either about to give birth or they’re after your flesh. Take no chances lads!)
Head to the nearest farm and pick up some pitchforks, hammers and nice pointy sticks, and maybe a gun or two (though don’t get your hopes up! This is Ireland remember!)
Rob the feckers
Once you kill your first zombie, your first thought may be to bless yourself and wonder what kind of penance the priest is going to land you with, but your next should be to search through the pockets of your assailant and see what goodies they have.
Pack of smokes? Useful for the addicted among you to get you through the day! Money? Totally useless but keep as makeshift toilet paper. Phone? If happens to be a Nokia, use it to blast a hole in the nearest zombie’s head. Sorted.
Head to the islands
All those lovely isolated islands off the coast of our great country are really going to come in handy during the apocalypse. Hop on the nearest ferry and pop over to Arannmore to claim your new home. Sure there’s only about 500 people there – if you gather them into the one place you can take them all out at once and you’re now the king of your own island!
Or, who knows, they may not have been infected yet and you can all live in a lovely utopia together while the rest of the country burns!
Settle old debts
You may have had an issue with a horrible boss or ex-lover that really did you wrong. If you find out they’ve been bitten and, as such, have turned into a slightly better person then make sure to take the high road and offer forgiveness.
And by that we mean take their head clean off once they’ve zombified. Sure you can’t be letting a zombie wander off with its head intact.
Go down fighting
Pop to your local museum and arm yourselves with some of our ancestors’ ancient weapons and go out in style. The whole country is walking around trying to eat you, so chances are they’ll get you in the end, but you’re not going down without a fight!
Get some of the lads together and go to town on a zombie horde, just make sure to shout something memorable before you do. ‘Up the RA’, ‘To hell or to Connaught’ or something simple like ‘Feck off ya ugly b*stards!’ should suffice.
How would you deal with the apocalypse if it happened in Ireland? Let us know in the comments!
