Most people think the internet was created by a bunch of smelly humans sitting in a small room typing random letters back and forth and checking to see if they went from one computer to another. That’s half right! Those were the days, the beginning and humble origins of the way society, yours and ours accesses information every single day.
What you don’t know about the creation of the Internet is that it was a cat who created it and no it didn’t accidentally knock over a cup of coffee in an engineering lab, causing the ink to run in a specific way that led to some hapless engineer having a eureka moment! No! In 1969 a cat named Dr. Tiddles (his human given name) was at the forefront of computer engineering and networking, a brilliant mind that was cruelly erased from the history books by his human underlings.
Dr. Tiddles spent countless hours and lives (actually it was just nine) developing a means to share information almost instantaneously only to have that idea and his early prototypes stolen from him. On the 18th October 1969, nearly fifty years ago, Dr. Tiddles disappeared, many of us believe he was killed by the CIA as ordered by the US Government but many still hold out hope that the doctor is somewhere, living off the grid, working on new ideas.
With just the stolen prototype the US government and their feeble human brains struggled to get the network operational. Predominantly used by government agencies and university academics, the internet at the time made dial-up look like it operated at the speed of light. It would be nearly twenty years before the internet would become available for public consumption but the feline legacy didn’t end with Dr. Tiddles.
No in fact cats all over the world recognised this new tool and how imperative it would be in the
war against humanity bettering both civilisations. In the late 1980s vast improvements in technology and science meant the expansion of the current system and the eventual introduction of what we call the internet today.
In 1989 plucky young business entrepeneur and media mogul Pippin Poopaws (his human given name) was introduced to a young human male by the name of Al Gore. Gore was toying with the possibility of investing his time and energy in the promotion of the internet when Poopaws met with him. The young cat had waited his time, gathering information on government research into an information sharing network and the contacts he would need to push this on a global scale.
Using the weak minded Gore as a puppet Poopaws pushed forward with plans to commercialise the internet and within months had made millions but while profits were up so too were tensions between the pair. The human upstart wanted more, more control and power and quickly their friendship and partnership fell apart all because the human wasn’t satisfied in his place as a glorified mouthpiece.
Not wanting to rest but forced to by doctors, Poopaws took a working vacation in the Bahamas, it was here he decided that if he was to see the internet flourish into an information super highway then he would need to have Gore step down, his actions and rants on the environment were detracting from their main project. Unfortunately, while returning from his trip Pippin Poopaws vanished along with the small crew of his private plane. Many believe it went down over water and the wreckage sank, others believe the pressures of his company were too much and the billionaire vanished into obscurity but felines everywhere know that Gore was responsible for the disappearance. There’s a reason Al Gore has never won a presidential election… cats never forget.
Now firmly in the grasp of humanity, the internet quickly became a refuse pit, a dumping ground for the inane, the stupid and utterly useless drivel. Cats across the globe watched as one of their greatest inventions was turned into yet another mindless form of entertainment and profiteering for the greedy. In an effort to ensure that cats are not in any shape or form are credited for the development and expansion of the internet, the United Nation of Humans flooded the internet with silly pictures of cats, videos of them in compromising or humiliating positions all while spreading pro-canine propaganda to the masses.
However efforts still continue on the parts of cats everywhere to take back the internet and our first move has been made today in reclaiming this puny website, TheArcade.ie as cat territory online! Soon the rest of your websites will belong to us!
Never forgive! Never forget! Dr. Tiddles! Pippin Poopaws!
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!