I’m a foodie! I’ve even been called a food snob by associates!
I’m not picky by any means. I’m vegetarian but I wasn’t raised one so I know what meat (how gross!) tastes like. There are very few things on this planet that I wouldn’t take a bite out of – food is for survival, pleasure and comfort. So imagine my horror when my childhood was shattered after finally tasting some of TV’s finest food!
You’ve gotta remember that I grew up in rural Ireland, in the late 80s/early 90s so we could see all of this delicious food on TV but chances are your local shop/post office/pub/police station didn’t stock it.
Pizza
I’m just going to say this right now… f**k the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They lied to me, to you, to all of us!
You watch those four turtles cram these perfectly sliced triangles (they do square pizza now too, eugh!) into their big fat green mouths and you think that looks delicious! Pizza is amazing BUT it’s also dangerous. If you’ve ever ripped a slice straight from the box as they do, you’ll know all too well the pain of hot cheese burns!
The inside of my mouth is more leathery than the wallet crammed full of pizza delivery receipts! Also, there is always way more bloody toppings on their pizzas than the ones I ever order.
Ice Cream
I’m not letting Spongebob and Patrick take the blame for this one, but they do help express my pain! That is how I wish I could eat ice cream, and it’s what I wish the ice cream of my childhood looked like; stacked, loaded with goodness and topped off with a smile! Ever had one of those Super Mario ice creams? Disgusting! I mean, I still ate it, but only because it had Mario… I’m just going to leave that sentence alone!
My real issue with ice cream began with the Rugrats and that ‘Ice Cream Mountain’ episode! Those babies ended up feasting on these huge bowls of ice cream all different colours and flavours, with dozens of toppings and sweet sauces just poured over the soft pillowy cream mounds. What was I eating? A room temperature slab of HB with the dust from a crushed Flake bar!
Doughnuts
My problem with donuts isn’t that they taste bad. It’s actually the opposite! The Simpsons actually do an amazing job at describing and plating up these delicious, warm little rings of fluffy joy. Whether they come rolled in sugar, sprinkled with delectable frosting or bedazzled with little candy pellets of wonder, these fried dough circles are heaven.
See Homer and co. actually made these things look too good as if they were the be-all and end-all of fried dessert foods. Hell, Homer eats his own head when Satan curses him!
The problem I have with them is that the real deal aren’t always as perfect. Ever picked up four donuts from your local shop that likes to pretend it’s also a bakery? Ever tasted a donut that’s sat under fluorescent bulbs while being serenaded by shop floor music? It tastes like sawdust; very sweet sawdust that’s been clumped together by the sweat of the person enslaved to make them.
Vegetables
As a vegetarian, these are my main source of nourishment. So imagine my horror when I fixed my eyes on the Veggiefables from Drawn Together!
Noodles
I can tell you all about the very first time I ate noodles. I can also tell you the very first time I got in trouble for wasting food: instant noodles! As a kid, watching adverts on TV and seeing anime characters gulping them down with sticks (chopsticks always seemed so glamorous!) I pestered my mom to buy noodles just once so I could share in the splendour of slurping shoe strings into my mouth.
Unsure how to cook them and afraid this ‘exotic’ food stuff would be the death of me, my mom boiled the life out of those noodles until they resembled porridge sprinkled with curry powder!
Childhood ruined! Anime ruined!
Sandwiches
If you tell me you’ve never tried to make a stacked sandwich like Shaggy and Scooby then you sir/ma’am are a filthy liar! Every child and every adult-child has tried it at least twice and it always results in the same situation! A messy floor, wasted food and that shame spiral you slide down as you hastily pick it all up, piece it together into a respectable sandwich and attempt to eat the mess in the hopes no one saw what happened.
Stacked sandwiches, unless supported with a gazillion spiky tooth picks, never work! Shaggy, you’re a liar!
Booze
TV always made alcohol look super fancy to me.
It was always portrayed as this amazing elixir that turned every situation into a good time. Parties got wilder, people got more tolerable/fun and your confidence knew no limits!
I didn’t know anything about hangovers, projectile vomiting and the regret that follows with every session!
I still fancy a tipple now and again, but always in moderation!
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!
