Have you ever had to watch something so awful, you’ve considered hitting yourself in the head to forget about it? Have you cried for hours and minutes wasted on a terrible movie, show, book or game? Well, we here at The Arcade share your pain and we can no longer sit idly by as thousands of innocent geeks and gamers are subjected to this torture!
We’re putting ourselves forward as we resurrect an old series from the dead called ‘We’ll Watch It So You Don’t Have To’, throwing ourselves at the worst of the worst to ensure you our beloved readers never have to suffer again. However, that old series title was far too long and not nearly as catchy as our new one, ‘Screen Savers’, so sit back, remain calm and let us engage with the awful things out there to make sure you’re never hurt again!
What’s it about?
Well, if you haven’t guessed from the title, it’s about one of the most popular
cashcows mutants in the X-Men franchise, Wolverine. Released in 2009, the film is the fourth instalment in the movie series and acts as a prequel to the events of the first three, detailing the history of the angriest Canadian of them all. X-Men Origins: Wolverine offers a look (that no one really asked for!) at the life of Logan before he met Xavier and his band of do-gooder mutants, his childhood and relationship with half-brother/sworn enemy Sabretooth as well as his time with Team X and just how his bones became bound with adamantium at the hands of Colonel William Strkyer and the Weapon X program. All of which even the most half-hearted fan would know… hell, if you watched X2 you’re pretty much up to speed on just what happened to him!
Who is in it?
Hugh Jackman reprises the role that made him a household name and he even threw the weight of his own production company, Seed Productions, behind the movie… which actually wasn’t the best of decisions. At this point, everyone is used to the snarling bad boy with an attitude as sharp as his claws, but the film attempts to show the more human side to the character, a chance to see the man behind the adamantium skeleton. Unfortunately, Jackman‘s not quite able to pull it off and the audience are left hoping it’s all over, leaving behind an untouched carcass that even the hardcore buzzards/fans wouldn’t pick at.
The film also sees Ryan Reynolds step into a super suit, but it doesn’t quite fit; foreshadowing that his Green Lantern ensemble might be a little too tight (or loose!) as well. You don’t really get the chance to see Reynolds play with the role; he’s literally left speechless, which might have been a saving grace for the actor! The film also stars… and I use that word loosely, will.i.am, Taylor Kitsch and Liev Schreiber, all of whom manage to ham up their performances with a special meaty award going to the black-eyed pea who really had no place in the movie!
Oh and I nearly forgot; the romantic interest, Silver Fox, (Lynn Collins), is probably the only female member of the cast with more than two lines, and she manages to become one of the most forgettable things (see!) about the movie. Wolverine literally wakes up at the end of the movie and even he can’t remember who the woman is… that lucky s.o.b.!
Is it really bad?
They get literally everything wrong in this movie – everything! Fine, the opening is pretty cool and it allowed fans of the movies to learn a little more about just how old our favourite Canadian actually is and where he came from, but that’s all! When Jackman came out and declared that he himself was unhappy with the movie you knew there was something wrong. For crying out loud, Reynold‘s Deadpool is some sort of Rogue-inspired Frankenstein mishmash. The merc with the mouth had no mouth and about as much presence on-screen as I did… and I wasn’t even in the movie! And don’t even get us started on that awful version of Gambit… Kitsch, you should be ashamed.
Listen, I love the X-Men movies, I was one of the first people to defend Halle Berry for her
lacklustre amazing performance as Storm, hell X-Men: The Last Stand is one of my favourite movies. I’d take a bullet for that movie but not before I put X-Men Origins: Wolverine in the line of fire! For a movie that was meant to show us the origins of one of the most popular mutants ever, it managed to put a lot of people off the character, with the follow-up and sequel, The Wolverine, struggling to shake off the stink this movie left behind.
What do I watch instead?
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Wolverine and the X-Men
Or go read the comics… anything but this mess and be grateful that Days of Future Past has hopefully obliterated this fiasco from the timeline!
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!