I’ll freely admit to being a complete and total villain when it comes to playing card or board games; the kind of demented lunatic who’ll spend hours losing, and losing badly, just to figure out your strategy so I win once and refuse to play with you ever again. Hey, I have to keep my streak intact!
We’re going to look at the rise and RISE of a board game villain; the dice rolling gangster, the board dominator, the psycho in our group (me) who takes absolute pleasure in destroying their loved ones in a game of Monopoly!
Oh look, the box is pretty…
Well, at the very least you can say you’ve added a beautiful new box to your collection – just add it to the pile.
Okay, so these are the rules…
You’ve opened the box and resisted the urge to roll around in the game pieces and tokens; good start. Go straight for the rules – you’re a grown up after all and the rules help us all have fun!
Wait, what does this do?
Right, it looks like English, you’re pretty sure this is English… but it doesn’t make sense! Move tile 2.Q to column Zx when player 5 asks for your chest acres… these are words and they make sense… just not together!
No wait, I’ve got this…
Oh hang on… yeah, yes definitely… this totally makes sense now!
Actually, no I don’t!
Screw the game developers, you are going to use your own rules! You’ll make your own game!
Now, to find some victims…
Who wants a board game night? Excellent, the chips have been opened, there’s homemade hummus and look, someone was cool enough to bring beers! This is going to be fun… at least, until we start playing and the claws come out.
See, it’s all pretty straightforward!
See, you only move tile 2.Q to column Zx when I ask you for your chest acres… that makes total sense right? Excellent, let the game begin!
Am I winning? Yes!
*maniacal laughter* You poor naive fools! Now you know my true power and let the history keepers record this triumphant victory so your children and children’s children feel the utter shame you feel right now!
Am I winning? No!
WTF?! Clearly you’re cheating! Clearly you’ve played this game before! Clearly you’re a total jerk who hates me and we can’t be stupid friends anymore! Get out of my house!
Who wants to play again?
This is such a fun game! Who wants to play again? I promise not to use what I’ve learned about you in this round!
If you’d like to delve into the underhanded world of Board Game villainy, then I wholeheartedly recommend the amazing team over at BoardGamer.ie!
Editor-in-Chief, part-time super villain and hoarder of cats. If you can’t find me writing, I’m probably in the kitchen!