‘Birdemic’ is a movie that I’ve always heard about in hushed whispers but have never got a chance to watch. There was no doubt in my mind that it was going to be just as awful as the internet had warned me. But yet, I decided to see for myself, just to prove it.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
As one can gather, it’s about birds. Sometimes.
It largely follows the protagonist, Rob, and his blossoming relationship with his love interest, Nathalie. He works for a software company and is preoccupied with being environmentally friendly. Thus, he decides to start up a firm specialising in solar power. In a matter of days it sells for millions of dollars. Nathalie is a Victoria’s Secret model. A lot of emphasis is put on their frankly painful dialogue together instead of the birds.
The film spends an uncomfortable amount of time on completely meaningless footage, to the point where it’s almost impossible to tell what’s plot relevant.
Almost five minutes into the film Rob has done nothing but drive down a road in a continuous P.O.V. shot and walk to a restaurant. There is also an extended scene of people clapping for a full minute. There’s only so long you can watch various reaction shots of background characters clapping at good news before it starts to feel surreal, I have discovered. The film dedicates many more minutes to the characters simply walking in prolonged shots to various uninteresting locations. Considering the actual bird attacks only start almost a full hour into the film, this really could have been a film about an epidemic not of birds but of bad timing.
The latter half of the film actually contains the scourge of birds viewers had been waiting for. Global warming has made these birds want revenge against the human race. Rob and Nathalie, along with their two friends and two kids they found along the way, struggle to survive the plague of birds that have killed countless other people. The film ends on an anti-climax of the birds literally just deciding to fly away for a prolonged two minute shot.
WHO IS IN IT?
The leads in Birdemic are Alan Bagh, who plays Rob, and Whitney Moore, who plays Nathalie. I can’t say I’ve seen any other films with either of them in it. After watching this, I also can’t say I’m in any rush to.
IS IT REALLY BAD?
Yes. Definitely. It’s awful.
The first section of dialogue has the waitress’ voice glitch so badly that it’s practically incoherent. The dialogue is stunted both because it’s badly scripted and because no one appears to even be attempting to act. There is a cut for almost every line, full of unnecessary close-ups and prolonged walking shots. The characters are unbelievable, unlikeable, and barely formed enough to be considered characters at all. Even Rob, the protagonist, has literally no personality and no defining traits other than his job and his relationship. The timeframe is completely inconsistent, illogical and plain confusing.
The Birdemic itself is cringe worthy. The CGI birds look as though they’re pictures of birds badly photoshopped on to the screen. There is a prolonged scene where they just attack the birds, which are not doing anything but slightly hovering in one perspective on the screen, with coat hangers.
We’re told that the birds only attack people in cars because they want revenge for global warming yet they also attack people who are just minding their own business. The most hair pulling thing about the entire film for me, however, had to be when there was a literal bird in one of the outdoors shots. Not a CGI, killer bird. Just a regular bird, apparently completely unaffected by the epidemic.
WHAT MOVIE SHOULD I WATCH INSTEAD?
Birdemic is the kind of film I would only recommend to people who deliberately like watching bad movies for the humour value. I’ll admit, most of this film was so bad that it was comical. But I can’t say I’ll be rushing to watch it again. I would consider Tommy Wiseau’s ‘The Room‘ a much easier choice for anyone who likes terrible films, but frankly, I would recommend almost anything over this film.
Writer, artist, perpetual holder of notions.
